An Apology To My First Child
Everyone always seems to apologise to the second born child (or the 3rd, 4th, etc etc) for “not doing it the same as the first”.
The second born (or whoever) often gets the apology because the Mum didn’t do the same thing as the first child. Like the first child got all of the photos and all of the attention. The second child gets a more chilled out Mum and Dad ..
Well my apology is to the first born:
I am sorry I didn’t know who you were when you were first born. I’m sorry it took me a while to realise you were mine.
I am sorry I was so stressed out.
I’m sorry I struggled so much.
I’m sorry I let you cry for 30 minutes before realising that “crying it out” just didn’t work for you.
I’m sorry it felt like I cried all the time.
I’m sorry for wishing I could go to work like Dad did each day.
I’m sorry for thinking the things that I did, it turns out my brain was rewired after I gave birth. Pills have since helped fix that.
I’m sorry for not taking you to playgroups or mainly music – I just didn’t have it in me.
I truly hope that the way I felt during those first 12 months hasn’t stored somewhere in your memory. I hope I haven’t scarred you for life because of my inability to cope.
I still love you as much as your brother, but I’m sorry for struggling as much as I did with you. I really do hope that my struggles haven’t been imprinted on you.
You are the ultimate reason I do what I do. You give me hope each day.
You paved the way for Ronan. You do things before him and help him learn. You teach him the things you think he needs (even if he doesn’t need to know how to say your name properly).
I am sorry for what happened in those first 12 months, and I hope one day you understand that even though it was rough, it was the best thing I’ve ever done.
You and Ronan are the BEST things to happen to me, after your father (of course LOLOL).
Love you always, Mum