That First Moment

That First Moment
© Maria Foy | Happy Mum Happy Child


THAT FIRST MOMENT

You know the one … you just pushed a baby out your vagina (or they came out the sunroof), and the wee baby is put on your skin. Now I completely understand not everyone has this moment, so I do apologise if you’re like “WTF MARIA, NOT ME!” …

I had the skin on skin moment with Chloe, and I didn’t with Ronan. Not straight away – because he was a sunroof baby.

ANYWAY back to “that first moment” …

They’re put on your chest and you lovingly gaze into their eyes, and in that moment you KNOW they’re yours.

Well yeah, I never had that moment. Nope. Not even a little bit.

Chloe was placed on my chest, and was actually facing away from me. Facing my husband; so I could only see the back of her head.

Photos were taken. I smiled. I still hadn’t seen her, just the back of her head.

I don’t think I looked at her properly until 5-6 hours after birth. I know that sounds weird, but having every man and his dog trying to shove a baby onto your breast hardly constitutes as “bonding” in my books.

When I finally looked at her, all I could think was “Who is this?!”. I didn’t recognise her. I couldn’t see ANY of my family in her at all …

In fact, I continued to think this (along with ‘WTF HAVE I DONE) for several weeks after she was born. While I was at BirthCare, I took hundreds of photos; trying to look back at them and see some part of me in her. Trying to convince myself she was actually my daughter.

Everyone was convinced she looked like Phil (my husband), and of course I nodded and smiled.

Inside I was dying. Because I felt like a failure: a failure for not bonding straight away. For not knowing who she was.

I didn’t fall in love with my daughter straight away, and it was very confusing for me.

With time came love, and I love her more than anything in this world. I have also done a lot of research into this, and apparently it’s more common than we think – not falling in love straight away.

With Ronan – he was number 2; and an emergency c-section. Circumstances were different. I was petrified something was going to happen to him. So as soon as I had him, I knew he was mine. Plus, bizarrely, I could see my great grandfather in him. What a moment that was ❤

That First Moment Day 1

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