© Can Stock Photo / dragon_fang
CONSUMED BY EMOTIONS
Last week I had a meltdown. A toddler sized meltdown: My emotions got the better of me, and before I knew it I was consumed with rage.
One of my depression symptoms is anger. An uncontrollable, disgustingly overpowering, anger.
It starts small, and before I realise it, it has consumed my entire being: I cannot see out of it.
The night in question was on a weekend; I was cooking dinner, and the kids were being kids. It wasn’t their fault, but my brain suddenly decided it wasn’t ok with the constant questions and the never-ending fighting. It suddenly decided that the constant “Mum Mum Mum Mum” and screaming at each other was not ok.
So I started getting mad; I started to raise my voice.
Phil asked me if I was ok: RED RAG TO A BULL. I got even madder.
Suddenly the kids came into the kitchen and had a massive fight with each other; and it tipped me over.
I yelled. Too loudly; and it wasn’t nice.
I then turned around, left the room, and dramatically slammed the door as I left. I walked into our bedroom, also slammed the door; shut the curtains and lay down in the bed. I covered myself with blankets and a pillow.
I wanted to scream.
I did scream – into a pillow.
I lay there and thought terrible things about myself: “I’m not worthy of being a mother”, “You’re a horrible person”, “Might as well get in the car and leave”, “The family would be better off without you”.
My husband came in after five minutes to check on how I was, but I was stuck. I was stuck in my emotions and I couldn’t get out of them.
I tried to calm down before he came in, but I couldn’t. So when he came in, and he uttered the words “you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to”, I took offence.
“Why doesn’t he want me to come out?!”
I really couldn’t see a way out of the emotion, so I just went further into it: I sometimes imagine this is what a toddler is like when they have a tantrum: they get so consumed by their emotions that they can’t see a way out of it.
Not only couldn’t I see a way out of it, but I was suddenly too proud to leave the bedroom and face everyone. Proud and embarrassed. So I didn’t: at least not for 30 minutes.
After that I started to calm down: Phil came back in to check on me (he really is wonderful), we had a chat, and then I came out.
When I got into the lounge, Chloe burst into tears and said “why did you leave?!” – which made me sad, guilty, overwhelmed … all of the emotions.
I’m ok now, but I remember that feeling of being stuck in my emotion so badly. I wanted to get out of it, but I felt trapped. I felt like I wasn’t in control and I had no idea what to do.
Not only was I trapped, but I was also embarrassed that I’d gone that far; and then suddenly too proud to come out and admit it.
Have you guys ever felt like that?