Horrible Human Being

MARIA | HAPPY MUM HAPPY CHILD

HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING

Sometimes I just feel like a horrible human being.

I spent a lot of this weekend helping a mate out, so wasn’t home much. So when I got home, I was tired, slightly grumpy; but I did miss my family so was happy to get home.

Except yesterday, when I got home, I just lost the plot.

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The house was an absolute shambles. Now normally that doesn’t bother me, because I’m in control of the shambles, however yesterday it did. Maybe I was having a bad day: maybe my depression was being a dick.

Everything was bothering me: the mess, the kids, my headache, the fact I ran out of wine. EVERYTHING.

I hadn’t been home 10 minutes,when the kids started yelling and screaming at each other. Doing what siblings do – fighting.

They were also very much in my face: “Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum” … which is to be expected because I wasn’t at home pretty much all day. So they were excited to see me; and reverted back into their old habits.

I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t get this level of the kids that I do. And if he does, he’s so much more chilled than me, and usually just ignores it HAHA

I completely snapped about 30 minutes after arriving home when my kids were fighting over a Shopkins toy and instead of using her words, my daughter just lets out an almighty scream.

I yelled “STOP SCREAMING” and my husband looked at me, and I said to him “I wish I had never come home” and then stormed off into the bedroom.

It might seem irrational to you, but I do have post-natal depression, and flying off the handle is actually something I’m pretty good at. Especially when I’m having a bad day mentally.

I went into our bedroom and lay on the bed and cried.

I cried because I was embarrassed about the way I’d reacted. I was ashamed that my kids and my husband saw that. I was disappointed in myself for not being happy to be home.

After five minutes, I came out and apologised to everyone. And we all moved on … but I felt like a horrible human being.

And for the next couple of hours I thought terrible thoughts about myself and the fact that I probably shouldn’t be in this family because I’m such an asshole.

Fuck I hate depression, and sometimes I hate myself.

My kids are amazing and I feel like they deserve a better mother in their lives