In my past I’ve had some experiences that have lead me to have little-to-no trust in people.
This is 100% my issue, but sometimes it affects what I do in life.
It hasn’t reared its head in a while but every now and then it does, which triggers me.Now of course, being “triggered” is the word “du jour” but kind of explains how I feel.
Something will happen and before I know it I’ve reacted in a way which baffles people. When I retreat and look back on what’s happened, I realise it was a moment in which I’ve reacted based on my past experience with people.
In the past, I feel I have been treated unfairly.
From friends, to ex-boyfriends; I’ve been walked all over. Yes of course some part of it is my fault for allowing it to happen, but it doesn’t negate the fact it happened. Especially when I was young and had no idea, and no confidence to stand up for myself.
I’ve always felt like if anything happened, it was my fault and therefore, my responsibility to fix it; even if 80% of the time it wasn’t (clearly I’m not perfect which is why I can’t say 100%).
Often I felt even if someone else was to blame about a situation, I had to be the one to apologise just to smooth things over. I never had the confidence to stand up for myself because I hated knowing people wouldn’t like me.
I am a serial apologiser for this very reason though – because I don’t want people to dislike me.
Clearly I need deep therapy sessions around this (and so much more).
So coming into 2018, even though I’m way more mature, I have the ability to stand up for myself; but sometimes situations take me back to that time and it triggers me.
It might seem bizarre to some people, but truth of the matter is, I really do have a hard time trusting people.
I have a hard time trusting people are genuinely my friends.
I have a hard time trusting that when someone says ” it doesn’t matter “, that it really doesn’t matter to them.
In the past (as a teenager), when someone said “nothing’s wrong”, it meant something was wrong and you had to guess a million times as to what it was.
I hate it when people say “nothing is wrong” but in fact something is wrong and you have no idea.
Just be an adult about it and say what’s wrong!!! No one is a mind reader!!!
I’m grateful to know my close friends aren’t like this. We are beyond open and honest with each other about things, and I know where I stand with them.
But I definitely struggle, especially when it comes to trusting people.
Does any of this make sense? Or perhaps a few therapy sessions are in order for me hahaha